So this week has been interesting to say the least. I had a lowkey breakdown, cried in front of my boss, decided to quit my job, found forgiveness, confronted Cody and ran away for a bit.
It all started Wednesday when I got a text from Cody. He had been texting me nonstop all week, he drove a hour and half to my current town that I live in and was wanting to see me. (When I moved away from my home town in August, I deliberately did not tell anyone where exactly I was moving to because I feared Cody would find me) However my drunken self told Cody at that party last week, the area in which I live now, so of course he shows up wanting to hang out. I freaked out, the last thing I need is the psycho guy who tried to kill me stalking me again.
The entire day was a disaster, I couldn’t calm myself down no matter what I tried. Even though it has been over a year since everything happened between us, I’m still very much afraid of angering this guy. I went to work where my boss decided it was a good day to yell at me for everything going wrong with the store which resulted in me freaking out. I instantly had a flashback involving the violence I endured with Cody which scared me greatly. I began hyperventilating and then of coursed puked, my manager just stood there wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. I then began bawling my eyes out and I honestly didn’t even know why I was crying. My boss was not very understanding and told me to get a fucking grip, so I threw my hat and key down and told him I quit. I left the store a complete wreck and decided I needed to go deal with this Cody thing.
Cody and I met up at a coffee shop across town, a good 30 minutes from where I actually live. I didn’t know what I was really going to say to him… I just knew I couldn’t keep doing this whole him texting me and wanting to be with me thing. So I told him we needed to stop all of this, I can’t be with him because I still haven’t gotten over all that he did to me. He of course started with the whole “I’ve changed, I promise I’m not like that anymore”. His attitude changed and I could see he was beginning to get upset, he balled his hand in a fist and began clinching his teeth. I immediately began apologizing. I was so afraid of upsetting him… Cody asked me why I was apologizing and then reached his hand over towards me and I unintentionally flinched. His expression immediately changed, the look in his eyes was heartbreaking. I couldn’t say anything so I just sat there staring back at the guy who I once swore I would marry.
Cody shifted in his seat and then said, “You’re afraid of me…You’re really afraid of me aren’t you?” I had no idea how to respond… The lump in my throat grew bigger and I just knew I was going to cry again. Cody continued, “You’re right we can’t do this… I’m sorry McKenzie. You loved me even though I was a complete monster to you, you never stopped loving me. For that I thank you, you’ll always be the one who saved me.” His eyes filled with tears and so did mine. What he said it hurt, he was right but I love him. Cody deleted my number and told me I didn’t have to worry about him talking to me anymore, he said he loved me but he knew he wasn’t the one for me anymore. He hugged me and left. Cody walked out of that coffee shop and didn’t look back at me, he was gone.
I sat there crying my eyes out and I honestly could not understand it. This was the boy who beat the shit out of me, who sent me to the hospital so many times with broken bones, and here I was bawling like a baby over him. I finally pulled myself together and left. I went home packed a bag, went down to my parents got the key to their cabin in Tennessee and took off.
I needed to get away, everything was just too much. I spent the week in solitude and it was the best thing for me. I went to a few meditation and yoga classes, did a lot of running and cleared my mind. I disconnected from everything, turned my phone off and didn’t bother with social media. I wrote a lot this week about everything, I allowed myself to feel all of the emotions I’ve been avoiding. I cried, I screamed and I let myself fall apart. It was the best decision I’ve made in a long time, I found some inner peace with the whole Cody thing. I found forgiveness for what he did to me, I found forgiveness for myself for staying with him.
While away, I thought a lot about the Cameron thing and the night I was raped. I worked on some EMDR skills I’ve been learning in therapy and surprisingly I think they are working. We have been working on blacking out Cameron’s face from my memory (since one of the key elements of the reoccurring nightmares is of his face the night he raped me) The nightmares I’ve been having lately Cameron’s face have been a blur, everything that happened that night still replays in my dreams but I can’t see Cameron’s face anymore… at least not while I’m dreaming anyways. It seems like therapy is finally starting to work and I’m finally making progress. It’s been one intense week but I’ve never felt better. I got another job, I start this week and I’m happy for the first time in a long time. I’m really honestly happy. I think I’m going to be okay, everything’s going to be okay.