Possible Residential Treatment &; A Really Bad Night

So a lot has been happening the past couple of weeks. My ptsd has gotten worse due to some new triggers, I have began drinking once more to deal with the flashbacks my nightmares have shifted and are worse than they were before. I’ve began self harming again and everything is just a lot. I have lost a lot of weight again, so my eating disorder has made its appearance. I’m trying to just get by day by day but things are hard really hard.

My therapist recommends residential treatment where I go and stay for 21 days in hopes of helping all of my trauma. I wasn’t about it at first however the night before last something really awful happened again. I was really drunk at a party, I managed to get plastered and some guy had sex with me in my black out drunken state. I don’t remember who or what happened. I woke up with no clothes, a black eye and blood everywhere in my lower region. I went to the hospital even though I was terrified. I got a rape kit done where it was obvious I was sexually assaulted.

I have tearing down there, bruising on my legs, and a black eye from the rape. Everything hurts and I feel like an idiot. I apparently drove my car sometime that night and wrecked it messed up the front fender really bad. I have no recollection of what happened which in some ways is good. I don’t know how to deal with all of this and I’m struggling to not want to kill myself honestly.

My new insurance doesn’t begin until February so I have to wait until then to be admitted to the facility. I’m terrified of being committed but this treatment center is top in class for dealing with trauma. I figured I’ll give it a shot at this point I don’t have much to loose.

My therapist has been amazing about all of this and continues to help guide me down the right path and even though I continue to make the same mistakes she hasn’t given up on me. It means a lot that I have at least one person in my corner. I don’t know what will happen from here I just hope it’s better than what I’m going through. So that’s all for now I’ll update more as I go.


Progress, Set Backs, & Revelations; aftermath of rape, things get better

Over the past couple of months I have made some major progress in therapy. It definitely wasn’t easy by any means and I made some mistakes along the way. I decided I was going to really throw myself into therapy even though it terrified me. I learned quick that recovery and progress takes time and a lot of effort. Healing from trauma is not easy, trauma comes in layers and you have to peel each layer off one by one. It’s difficult and time consuming, it takes everything in your body to shed one layer but it’s worth it.

I was terrified honestly of healing what is broken, because for two years now my life has revolved around the trauma, without it I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s odd really I have almost become familiar with the trauma/ptsd symptoms… it’s as if without the constant panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares, who am I? What do I do with a “normal life” that isn’t focused on the trauma? As much as I despise what Cameron did to me it has shaped me into the person I am today. I had to find myself again and I still am trying to piece it all together once more.

The process of recovery began by my Therapist asking me if I really wanted to move on from what was done to me. This led to me realizing that in some ways I felt I wasn’t worthy of being saved, of being helped. After I admitted this to my therapist she worked on helping me realize my worth.

With that I realized I am more than what was done to me, I am more than the trauma and the abuse I endured. I am more than another notch in Cameron’s belt of far too many girls whom he pried their legs open to take what he wanted. I am more than just another body, just another statistic, I am more than just another sad story. I am so much more and once I accepted that the real recovery began.

EMDR therapy is the most challenging thing I think I’ve ever experienced. It’s draining to have to go back to a memory from that night over and over again. However, it has definitely worked and I can honestly say some parts of that night do not haunt me nearly bad as they used to. I can mostly recall that night and not fall back into a flashback which is major and something I never thought I would be able to do. I am identifying more of what triggers me and really focusing on how things make me feel. Feelings are not my strong suit, so having to feel, having to be real has been a challenge. I don’t like to admit when things hurt me, I like to pretend I am emotionless and nothing bothers me… this has been difficult to change. I still catch myself saying everything’s perfectly fine, I’m fine, it’s good, great, amazing, when things are the exact opposite. I am still learning.

With all the progress came a lot of set backs, I fell back into my all too familiar ways of coping and dealing. I invited my old friend Vodka on this journey of mine and began drinking heavily once more. I also decided Anorexia would be a nice addition to the party and picked up my lovely eating disorder along the way. I was eating 300 calories a day and had dropped 20 pounds in just under two months, this of course was terrible given that I am already underweight for my height as is. The eating disorder was back in full swing and I began fainting more and more.

It seemed as though with every inch of progress I would make I would set myself back a foot with my poor coping skills. My therapist started noticing and began to ask if I was eating enough or if I was drinking again. (Honesty, apparently is kind of a big deal when it comes to healing) So I let her in which was difficult because I have a hard time letting people see my real struggles, I want to deal with it all on my own without the help of others. My therapist has been amazing with all of this and introduced me to an eating disorder clinician which in turn led me to meeting other women whom also share this struggle. As much as I was totally against it at first (and in denial) I showed up and spoke with them, still currently working on overcoming the eating disorder.

After going to work hung over (and a little tipsy) in the middle of the week, sipping a coffee with a shot of tequila in it and ultimately ended up hiding under my desk with sunglasses on for the majority of the morning, and then winging it (totally embarrassing myself) when it came to a very important business presentation, I realized the drinking was a problem. I decided to get back into AA. So I convinced one of my friends to attend the first AA meeting I’ve been to in 10 months. (Going strong with being sober for a grand total of 10 days now, it’s been difficult)

Between all the progress and set backs I also ended up having a complete manic episode that lasted 10 days, where I didn’t sleep for 4 days straight (only to crash for two hours and then repeat) During this I was on cloud 9, not sleeping, not eating and yet full of energy. I was convinced I could do anything, I ended up spending way too much money on unnecessary Christmas decor, repainted my home twice, started new hobbies such as pottery making, sewing, wood crafting, playing the guitar, and attempted to learn Japanese. The manic episode came with some really bad choices too such as kissing my best friends girl friend and sleeping with a married coworker. I ended up crashing hard from the mania two days after thanksgiving, of course this fiasco led to my Therapist, a psychiatrist and my best friends informing me I was bipolar. I didn’t want to believe it because I have enough labels as it is already but surprise I’m bipolar. On top of healing from the trauma I now get to deal with my new diagnosis of bipolar disorder which is frustrating, but like everything lately, I’m going to give it my all and strive to learn to cope with this disorder in the best way.

Revenge On My Rapist 

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” Marcus Aurelius 

A couple of days before I left for my trip to Florida, I received a phone call from someone back home who knows about Cameron being a rapist and how he’s raped me and another girl. This individual is quite upset with what Cameron has done and reached out to me to discuss their feelings about him. 

Honestly, I didn’t know how to respond at first and then they said something that has stuck with me and now I can’t seem to shake it. This person told me, “Cameron needs to pay for what he did. Revenge is the only answer.” I didn’t really know what to say because for one, this person and I are not that close anymore. Additionally, I found it strange that they were so furious with Cameron’s actions. I mean don’t get me wrong, I honestly despise the guy. Cameron is the only person I truthfully hate, however I am a bit intrigued by this random persons sudden hatred for him. I am too afraid to really ask why this individual feels this way… I don’t think I want to know the answer. They had this elaborate plan to seek revenge upon this rapist (which was kind of genius and a bit intense). It’s been over two years since I was raped and a year and 9 months since the other girl (I know about) was raped by him, so it’s quite odd that this person is now seeking revenge. I told them I would have to think about it and get back to them because honestly I just didn’t know. 

While in Florida, I was hoping a change of scenery and the fact that I was 500 miles away from the state I was raped in, I possibly could get away from all things related to Cameron. I wanted a break from the daily torment I’ve been living in for over two years now. I just wanted to not think about him, to not have any panic attacks or flashbacks or nightmares. Obviously, that’s not how this works and my first night there I awoken to yet another nightmare about Cameron. This pissed me off more than anything, I became so freaking mad about the fact that I was on vacation and he was still ruining my day. I mean I knew logically that I probably was still going to have panic attacks/flashbacks about the rape while there, but still it made me mad. 

This of course led me to thinking about the conversation I had prior with the person from back home about seeking revenge on Cameron. I mean, I hate him for everything he did. I hate him for his choice to hold me down and rape me. I hate him for making me feel like it was my fault. I hate him for sabotaging the trust I had for him. I hate him for all the nightmares and flashbacks he causes me. I hate him for making my old friends turn against me. I hate him for ruining my life and fucking me up so much. I hate him for ignoring my pleas and most importantly I hate him for not owning up to it. I just wish he would own up to it and admit what he did was rape. I wish he would just apologize. Is that stupid to want your rapist to just apologize? 

Lately, I have been fueled with this anger and resentment towards him. Part of me, wants to hurt him in ways that he hurt me. I have thought about the whole revenge thing and how maybe an elaborate plan to seek out justice is suitable. However, I don’t think it would do any good. Honestly, the revenge I really want is something I can’t physically inflict upon him… what I want is for that night to forever scar his memory and I want him to feel remorse for what he did. 

I want to be the one who haunts him day in and day out, I want him to never forget my face or forget what he did. I want him to be so disgusted with himself over his choice to rape me that he can’t stand to look at himself in the mirror. I want him to lay awake at night and regret his actions. I want him to lose sleep and become physically sick by the mere thought of him raping me. I want him to plea with the heavens above for forgiveness for the awful thing he did. I want him to live his life with this terrible thing hanging over him and I want him to realize what he’s done. I want him to one day raise his future son to not be like him. I want him to talk about the horrors of that night with his head hung down in shame and beg others to not do what he has done. I want him to remind his buddies that when a girl says no that’s what she means. I want him to say he’s sorry and beg for forgiveness to me and any other woman he chose to rape. 

That’s the revenge I want for my rapist. 

Therapy, Recovery and Escaping: things are okay

I have came to a lot of realizations this week about everything really. Therapy has been so helpful and I’m slowly but surely making progress. As much as I despise opening up about my trauma I know I need to, I realized I’m never going to get over anything if I don’t make myself deal with it and feel all the emotions I’ve tried to repress about it all. 

I realized this past week that everything that happened with Cameron I have kind of stored into this box in my mind. I put all of the trauma that occurred and shoved it into this box trying desperately to keep it there. However slowly it began oozing out and with every bit, I tried to drown it with vodka or avoid it the best I could. This has led to where I am now, I currently have such a hard time reaching into the depths of this trauma box and pulling out bits to work on. Because when I do pull one thing out everything else seems to bubble over with it and then it becomes too much. I can’t work on one part of that night without everything coming back up and pulling me down with it. When one thing gets taken out and the others begin to come to the surface I shut down, I have a flashback or panic attack and freak. I go into a spiral and try to push everything back where it was with my obvious terrible coping mechanisms. 

This has been the biggest challenge with therapy and learning to face the trauma I’ve attempted to repress. I need to learn how to just take one thing out at a time and deal with it without being overwhelmed with all of the others. And so this week that is what I’ve spent doing. I did a lot of writing and spoke with Chris about some of the things I’ve tried to bury deep within. I have broaden my support group of people in my life recently. I’ve made some new friends who are really amazing. Chris introduced me to this girl named Ali who was also raped. Her story is eerily similar to mine, she went on a date and the guy raped her afterwards it led to this whole he said she said thing. Ali spiraled and turned to alcohol to cope she too tried all the terrible coping mechanisms to attempt to deal. Eventually realizing it wasn’t helping and ultimately finally given in to therapy and giving it her all in order to recover from the rape. Ali has been super great about helping me with some better grounding excercises and new ways to deal with everything. Having someone who too has been through the same thing to help talk about all of this with is the best thing right now. Ali shares her story so openly and honestly, she is no longer haunted as much by what was done. She spent a lot of time recovering and is still doing so but it kind of gives me a sense of relief knowing one day maybe I’ll be okay too. Maybe all of this won’t be as overwhelming. 

My support group of friends have been incredible lately and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. I have decided to try once more with EMDR therapy again, I am at a point where I think I’m semi stable enough to take on all of that. Emdr is crucial to recovering from the rape but it takes a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. I want to try again with it and I want to give it my all.  Working on all of this is hard and trying to actually deal is even harder. I’m struggling a bit with this balancing act of juggling therapy and recovery, work stuff, going back to school and just being an adult. It’s all been a lot and I just need a break for a bit. So I have decided to take off with some friends for a week and just get away from everything and everyone for a while. I leave tomorrow morning for Florida and I’m actually excited to escape… to just take off.  It’s a much needed vacation and when I return in a week I hope to be better relaxed and level headed enough to throw myself back in EMDR therapy.  .

Seeing The End: triggers, flashbacks, and 2 year anniversary 

I have been meaning to post this blog, but I first needed to put it into words what I experienced this past Friday. I spent the two year anniversary of the day I was raped in a really bad headspace for the majority of the day. I decided to go down to my hometown, I felt like I needed to be in that county where it all happened two years prior. I went by my old apartment once more, I felt like I needed that closure… like I needed to be in that apartment… like even though it was/is triggering I needed that. 

My old friend Becca lives there now, she allowed me to come by a few months ago and I freaked a lot then too. However my last visit to that apartment brought some major acceptance for me. I realized last time I was there that it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t to blame for being raped. I hoped to find some sort of closure or maybe unlock something else… I didn’t really know what I was hoping for honestly. I just knew I felt like I had to be there. I showed up and brought along Chris who insisted she come for moral support and to make sure I wasn’t in any real danger (from an outside source or myself). 

Just pulling up in that driveway of the home where my life forever changed brought up a lot of emotions. I felt a sense of anger and resentment to that place as well as deep rooted pain. I had a mini panic attack sitting in my car before even getting out to walk in but I persevered. I walked throughout the apartment taking it all in, taking in every memory and trauma that was created in that once home of mine.  I came to the bedroom where I took a deep breathe before opening the door. I knew seeing the room where my old self died at, that fateful September night would be hard, I wanted to go through with it. Chris and Becca both encouraged me to just leave if things were too much I promised I would but first I needed this. Her room is set up very similar to how I had it… the bed is in the same exact spot… it’s almost eerie how much it looked like that night two years ago. 

I had a very intense flashback standing there looking at her bed, I was right back there with Cameron above me, however this time the flashback took place towards the end of the rape…When Cameron was finishing and his body collapsed onto mine. I could smell his cologne and feel his sweat on his skin. He had finally let go of my hands and moaned in pleasure as he came. I stared at the clock that night two years ago and refused to make eye contact with him, I was so completely drained of energy I couldn’t say anything or move. Cameron went to kiss me and I turned my head even more. I didn’t want to kiss him, he grew angry and grabbed my face. -It scared me honestly… Cody used to do the same thing when I wouldn’t look at him during an argument or whatever, that always led to him beating the shit out of me.- My body shook in fear and I finally looked at Cameron again, he then forced his tongue into my mouth. I could taste the cigarettes on his breath mixed with mint flavored gum. I snapped out of the nothingness I was in during the rape when he did that. I grew angry that this guy who just took so much from me forced me to kiss him. Like we had just made love or something and it wasn’t what it was… like he didn’t just rape me. That night I yelled at me him after he kissed me and told him to get the fuck out of my house. I pushed him and he got up to get dressed, he wasn’t surprised by my anger he laughed and thought of it as a joke while he slowly put his jeans on. 

The flashback ended and I felt nauseous. That was the first time I had a flashback of the end of the rape… of the end of the hell he put me through. This was something… this was what I was looking for. I finally reached the end of that night. Two years later and I finally allowed my body to go back to the ending of that terrible night. I immediately puked and then I cried. I cried so hard… it was intense. It was what I needed though. Chris and Becca of course freaked and wanted to make sure I was okay. Neither of them could understand why I would purposely try to trigger myself why I would purposely go back to the one place where it all happened. I began explaining to them the flashback I just had and they honestly looked shocked when I smiled and said “It was good. It was what I wanted.” 

I left that apartment that night with a little weight lifted… I didn’t feel as heavy with all of the trauma as I did when I first arrived. I finally saw the end of that night and even though it was just one flashback it was the one I needed to experience on the two year anniversary of the rape. I ended up going to a party that night where I drunk heavily but enjoyed myself and had fun. I needed to cloud my mind for the night with alcohol (I know poor coping mechanism but that’s okay) I surrounded myself with friends and ended that terrible night on a good note. Just because it was the anniversary of the day my life was forever changed didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy it in someway. I might had to have been intoxicated to forget for a while but at least I had a good time. The flashback I had Friday was major progress for me. I can’t seem to ever get past the rape itself, the moments when he was holding me down and having his way. I can never get to the end of it but I finally did. I haven’t yet had another flashback or nightmare to the end of the rape since Friday, but I know it’s there. I know my body and mind still can recall and rehash the ending of that night and that means one day just maybe those will be the flashbacks I have more often. They are not this grand memory or anything but it’s the end of that horrid night and for me that’s what I want. I want to see the end. I want to be reminded that I did indeed survive that night. That I wasn’t just raped and I’m not stuck in the bedroom during it… strange isn’t it how I wish to see more of the rape during my flashbacks and nightmares of that night? 

2 Year Anniversary of Rape

Today has been hard.. I woke up to a terrible nightmare about that night which of course led to a panic attack. It was a rough start to this horrid day honestly. Everything thing has been a bit much this week, I have been so worked up about today and all the emotions that come with the anniversary of the day I was raped. 

It’s hard to believe it’s been two years I can’t help but feel like I should be over it by now. It makes me feel so betrayed what he did. I trusted Cameron, I trusted him to come into my home and he chose to do what he did. I feel angry about the whole thing… a few minutes of pleasure for him turned into a lifetime of pain for me. 

That night two years everything seemed so innocent. Everything was going so well… While at to dinner we talked for a hour about his life and mine. He was so interested in everything I had to say. Afterwards when Cameron brought me home, he mentioned how early it still was and I invited him into my home. It was still early in the evening and I didn’t want the night to end. We talked sitting on the couch, laughing about everything and having a good time. He pushed my hair behind my ear and told me I had a beautiful smile. He then kissed me and I was taken aback. I didn’t expect it. He immediately apologized, ironic really my rapist originally apologized for kissing me. He told me he got the wrong vibe and I laughed told him it was fine and then leaned in and kissed him myself. 

 We made out and it was so innocent at first. However every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Cody, and I knew I was fucking up. I loved Cody how could I be kissing his best friend?! I ended the kiss abruptly and told him it was fine I just had to take our melting ice creme bowls to the sink. I stood in front of the sink and wrote out a text to send to Cody apologizing for ending our relationship asking him to drop by that night. I wanted to amend things between us, however before I could hit send Cameron came up behind me grabbed my waist. 

I was so afraid in that moment. And what gets me is that even to this day I can’t remember hearing his footsteps behind me. I should’ve heard him but I didn’t. He kissed me and thought it was so funny that he spooked me. He picked me up and carried me down the hall joking how tiny I was and how easy it was to carry me. He kissed me and laid me on my bed, climbed over top of me and kissed me. We made out and it was innocent. It was so innocent. His hands made their way up my shirt and things began heating up too quickly. I told him we had to stop. I couldn’t do this. He placed his hands on my hips and said “Trust me baby it will be fun.” I told him we had to stop we couldn’t do this. “Why what’s wrong?” He asked.”What would Cody say?” “What would Cody say?? Who cares what Cody would say?! Fuck Cody. It will be fun trust me” his entire demeanor changed in that moment and I knew in my gut things weren’t good. I began pushing my hands on his chest, he then grabbed my arms and pinned them above my head. I couldn’t do anything. I tried to struggle. I tried to release his grip but he wouldn’t let go. I told him that was enough we had to stop now. 

He began unbuckling his belt, pulled down my leggings and I knew there was no going back. I begged him, pleaded with him to just stop. “Please just stop Cameron we don’t have to do this. Let’s talk okay?” He was adjusting himself and ignoring my pleas “Everyone loves a piece of the Cam man!” And that was it he began. I freaked out I began crying his eyes met mine and I told him “Please don’t. Please. ” He wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the duration of the time. I glanced at the clock it was 9:02. I screamed and he just bit his lip and kept going. I realized screaming did nothing. No one could hear me. I was alone. Completely alone. 

I felt so completely broken in that moment and so completely alone. I prayed to God to end my life and felt the cross necklace snap on my neck, that was my sign from the universe that I was alone. There was no god. There was no help. I was by myself. Cameron continued and I just had to take it. That night was hell and I can’t help but feel nauseous thinking about it. How could he do that?! Why would he do that? Why did he have to have sex with me against my will?? Why did he have to ignore my pleas and cries? Why, what makes a rapist a rapist? Why do they do it? What causes them to do something so unforgivable, so disgusting, so degrading?! 

2 years ago he chose to rape me. 2 years ago he chose to ignore my pleas. 2 years ago he chose to ruin my sense of security, sense of trust, sense of faith, and sense of who I was. I will never be the person I once was and that irritates me to no end. The rape has fucked me up in so many ways. I want to go back to that night and change so much and I know it’s stupid to think that way but I do. 

He Is A Rapist: the real wolf in sheep’s clothing 

Friday is the 2 year anniversary of the day I was raped and this year it’s hitting me hard. I can’t help but think of Cameron and no matter how hard I try to forget, I just can’t. Ever since accepting that it’s not my fault, I have been swarmed with emotions about the whole ordeal. Finally coming to terms with the rape has been a blessing and a curse. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about how Cameron didn’t fit the “rapist profile”, I had no reason then to fear him. Cameron wasn’t the guy my parents warned me about, he wasn’t lurking in some dark alleyway. He wasn’t some stranger, he had been in my home so many times prior to that night. He was Cody’s best friend and we hung out a lot. I had known him for quite some time and I never thought of him as a bad guy. 

Cameron sat on the front pew of church every Sunday. His parents owned a big church in town and he was always the first to volunteer to lead in prayer. He made good grades and was the star quarterback in high school. He played with his little brother after school and once raised $10,000 for a family in need after their house burnt down. He volunteered at the soup kitchen and read to his grandmother in the nursing home. He was the perfect guy and every girl wanted to be with him. He got a full ride football scholarship to college, he was the towns golden boy and had plenty of friends. He could get any girl he wanted and had the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen. He was perfect as most said and I had no reason to fear him. 

Our friendship prior to the rape was odd to say the least, he was Cody’s oldest and best friend, they played little league together when they were 5. Their mothers were very close friends and they practically grew up together. Cameron was so caring, he worried about Codys anger issues. He knew about the abuse I endured with Cody and he was the only one who knew how to calm Cody down. Once while at a dinner party, Cody became upset with me when I didn’t fill up his cup when he asked me to. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the kitchen where he began yelling at me. The guests (who were all our friends) sat in the dining room trying to ignore the shouting from the kitchen, everyone was aware of what was going on yet no one tried to intervene. Except for Cameron who walked in a few minutes later just as Cody bitch slapped me across the face. Cameron told Cody he needed to chill and they should take a walk to calm down, he put his arm around Cody and led him outside. In that moment I was so grateful for Cameron intervening, I know things could’ve gotten much worse but Cameron chose to step in. I knew I could trust him, Cameron wasn’t afraid to stop something that wasn’t right. He was very protective and he actually enjoyed talking to me, while as Cody’s other friends thought of me as a petty girlfriend. Cameron was the only one of Cody’s friends who really treated me like a friend. 

Months later, after Cody and I broke up Cameron was one of the first to text me and said he was sorry to hear about the break up. He knew I loved that boy with everything in me and he knew I was having a hard time. Cameron said he wanted to treat me to dinner, show me how a real lady is suppose to be treated. I made him aware that if we went out it wasn’t a date, I still loved Cody and Cameron agreed that it was fine. “A not date ” just two friends going to dinner and hanging out. I trusted him, I didn’t think anything of it. Cameron wasn’t a bad guy… at least I thought. 

I can’t help but analyze every detail of that night. Go back and think about all the things I should’ve done. I know it’s pointless to do this, but I can’t help myself. I am trying to remind myself I can’t blame me… blaming Cameron makes everything real. It happened and now that I’ve come to terms with that I have to deal with. I have to heal. I trusted him, I invited him in my home, I kissed him back but I did not want to be raped. I did not want what happened to me that night. I never asked for it…

Cameron is someone’s child, someone’s brother, someone’s lover, someone’s friend. But, to me he is my rapist. I trusted him and he chose to rape me. I trusted him to come into my home and to kiss me. I thought of him as a good guy, a nice Christain godly man who knew what was right and what was wrong. I never would have thought of him as a rapist. I didn’t know then that he was the monster lurking in my closet, he was the thing to fear, he was the wolf in sheep’s clothing, he was the predator I was warned about…. he is a rapist. 

Coping & Recovery After Rape

I keep finding myself at the bottom of a bottle of cheap liquor, feeling much worse than before I began downing yet another one. Life is a bit much lately, the nightmares are so intense and I keep having flashbacks which are grueling and exhausting. I keep looking for ways to numb everything for a while, to forget just for a bit. I keep going back into my old habits knowing good and well that it just leads to the same outcome and yet I still do it. You do what you have to in order to survive, you cope how you can. This is me trying to cope. 

The two year anniversary is coming up and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get Cameron out of my head. I feel trapped in that damn bedroom with him. I can’t seem to get out from underneath him. I can still feel his hands on my body and his breath on my neck. Every detail of that night is etched into my memory and no matter how hard I try I can’t forget. I hate this time of year it’s always so much. I’ve been so on edge and my PTSD symptoms have worsen. It’s exhausting and I’m trying to remember that this is just how it is for now and I can get through this. 

Therapy has been a great help lately, I’ve learned some new strategies for panic attacks and grounding excercises for disassociation. We have started back again with EMDR therapy (we stopped for a few weeks since it became a little too much) even though I know that it helps and will be the key to overcoming all of this trauma, I still despise EMDR with every fiber in my being. It’s difficult to have to purposely go back to that night over and over. Luckily my therapist will allow me to stop if I choose to… some days I just can’t handle it. 

I know recovery is suppose to be this process or whatever and it takes time to heal, I just wish it could go along a lot faster. I just want to be on the other side already, surviving the trauma was one thing… surviving the healing is another. I think the hardest part so far about recovering from all this is coming to terms with the rape, admitting it wasn’t my fault and accepting that I was raped. Saying the words “Cameron raped me” out loud leaves me feeling nauseous and it takes everything in me to just utter those three words. It is so much harder to say it aloud than just putting those words onto paper. Saying it makes it real… admitting I wasn’t at fault is admitting I had no control and that’s a lot to grasp. I still have people tell me over and over it was my fault and as much as I don’t want to believe them, I can’t help but sense some truth. 

Last night I had a belated house warming party, since I recently moved into my own place in the middle of nowhere. A lot of my old friends from back home came to visit, one of which was my old roommate Alyssa, who was the one living with me at the time of my rape. After the get together ended Alyssa and I began talking about that night I was raped and she mentioned how excited I was to go out with Cameron originally. She talked about how we spent a hour picking out the perfect outfit and how she made sure I had condoms in my bedside table. She reminded me of her advice that night, “Remember Kenzie, the best way to get over one guy, is to get under another.” I couldn’t help but feel sick to my stomach recalling the events of that night. I was so eager to go out with Cameron, he was such a sweet guy and I wasn’t completely against hooking up with him if the night led to that. 

I rehashed the events of that night and told Alyssa about how guilty I felt when Cameron first kissed me in my living room. Alyssa then said, “You know I get that he raped you or whatever, but if you wanted it at first, if you wanted to have sex with him originally, than you wanted it the whole time, right?” I was taken a back by this thought, is she right? Since at first before the date, I planned to have sex with him did I unintentionally somehow caused what happened?

And I know that’s silly to think since I clearly said no and I was against it as soon as he started. I still can’t help but feel like somehow I unintentionally caused it in a way. Somehow since I had the idea of possibly hooking up with him originally, I caused it to happen. I don’t know… what she said just stuck with me and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I caused it. I know blaming myself is taking three steps back and I should avoid doing that but it’s just really difficult not to. 

September 1st is coming way too quickly and I am not ready for the 2nd year anniversary of the day I was raped. 

Self Blame & Fucking Up:  I don’t know how much more I can take…

My life is a mess and I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like every time I think things are going well something happens to remind me just how fucked up my life actually is. Maybe I did bring everything that happened to me on myself. Maybe I am to blame for the violence caused from Cody. Maybe I am to blame for being raped….

 I went down to my hometown yesterday for my nephews birthday, I haven’t been in the best headspace lately so I honestly should’ve just stayed home. All of our relatives were there and my sisters in laws, most of these people don’t really know much about me because I am not around that much. So everyone wanted to know al about me and what I was doing with my life, I responded with I was taking a break from school while dealing with some stuff and I’m a manager at a restaurant. My mother kept intervening and saying I was “taking a gap year from school while doing an internship and working in management. But will be attending a college in the spring to start on a paralegal degree.” Even though that was complete bullshit, because I plan to take a graphic design course in the spring, I honestly have no idea what I’m wanting to do with the rest of my life. I’m not doing an internship and I chose to not attend college this past year because I needed to focus on healing from all this trauma. It was obvious she was ashamed of what I’m really doing with my life right now, so she had to make up extravagant excuses. Since our family is oh so perfect she couldn’t have me ruining our image with the truth. 

I made it through that joke of a party and bit my tongue the entire time. Then my mother insisted I take my 19 year old sister (who is currently pregnant by her live in boyfriend) to the store. My little sister brought up Cody on the way there, she informed me he is in a new relationship and is doing really well. She continued saying I could’ve had that, I could’ve been engaged by now or married, I could’ve been pregnant or possibly even had a kid already if I wouldn’t have fucked it up with Cody last year. I told her that if would’ve stayed with him I probably would’ve been dead by now and reminded her that he was abusive and beat the shit out of me. She had more to say and continued with telling me that if I wouldn’t have fucked Cody’s best friend then maybe he would’ve stayed with me. 

At this point I got pissed, I didn’t “fuck Cody’s best friend” Cody’s best friend Cameron, chose to rape me. I went off and told her she had no idea what she was talking about and i didn’t choose to have sex with his best friend, Cameron chose to hold me down and have sex with me against my will. Of course this entire argument couldn’t have ended there. She told me that mom and dad was very disappointed in the fact that I’m not actually accomplishing anything and that it’s pathetic that she’s younger than me and is already engaged and pregnant. I of course retaliated with “It’s pathetic that you’re 19 and pregnant out of wedlock, by your live in boyfriend who’s still living with our parents.”  

When we finally got back home she went to my parents crying because “I hurt her feelings” this led to a full WWIII breaking out between my parents and I. They yelled at me for upsetting her and told me all about all the things I’m doing wrong in my life. I was pissed and chose to argue back which just made everything so much worse. My father told me he was disappointed in me and that he wish I could just be more like my other sisters. They informed me that it has been too damn long for me to still be obsessing over the Cameron thing and that in a way I did deserve it. If I wasn’t such a whore maybe it never would have happened and if I wouldn’t have broken up with Cody it never would’ve happened. 

At this point I was just royally pissed the fuck off and hurt that even though it’s been nearly two years they still feel the same way about the whole situation. My dad yelled at me that I was just a mistake and I felt ballsy so I told him, “You know after 22 years I would’ve thought you could’ve came up with a better insult by now.” This just infuriated him and he hauled off and slapped me across the face. I wasn’t surprised he chose to get physical that’s just how he is. So I didn’t react by crying, I just wiped the blood off my bottom lip and chose to be a bitch about it by saying, “Wow, dad you’re hits are getting weak. Is that all you got?”

He was furious and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, cussed me for everything I was worth and then punched me right in the eye. I didn’t expect that and stumbled back but quickly gained my composure and told him to go screw himself I was done with this joke of a family. I left and drove the two hours back to my home and decided I would drink away the night.

I can’t help to think maybe their right. Maybe I did bring everything that happened between Cody and I on myself. Maybe I did cause it. Maybe if I would’ve kept my mouth shut or just did what Cody wanted maybe I wouldn’t have been abused. Maybe we would still be together and everything would be fine. 

My friend Chris was at my place when I arrived, she knew things went sour with my parents and didn’t want me to be alone. We shared a bottle of vodka and I rehashed the details of the night. I finally broke down hysterically crying about the outcome of yesterday. It hurt a lot to have my parents continue to do the same stuff, to continue to be the same way. I honestly thought things were looking up between us for a change but I was obviously wrong. I will never live up to their expectations and i will continue to be the fuck up of the family.

It just really sucks and it is sad that my father still chooses to get physical with me anytime we get in a disagreement. I woke this morning hung over with a nice shiner on my eye and I realized that honestly there is no point in really trying with them anymore. And so once again I will be cutting them off from my life. I wish things were better right now, I wish things could just be okay a little while longer. I wish my parents and my sisters could be the support I need but I guess things will never change with them. 

Disassociation, Therapy & Progress: Recovery is hard

The past few weeks have been a bit rough… it will be two years since I was raped September 1st, this time of year always seems to hit me the hardest. Therapy has been brutal and EMDR seems to be kicking my ass lately. I realized that I’ve been disassociating, I never knew of the word to call the feeling of not being real, the moments where the flashbacks get too much and I’m no longer here. I actually ended up disassociated during one of my therapy sessions a few weeks ago and so I now know the word to call it. Lately after I wake up screaming from one of the nightmares I begin hyperventilating and then I disassociate. It’s frustrating and I hate the feeling of nothing being real, even though I know what it is now it still scares me. 

Today during my therapy session I once again disassociated, in order to bring myself back to reality I began scratching the back of my neck until it bled. I’m struggling with learning healthier, safer ways to ground myself. Recovery is hard and getting over the rape is much more challenging than I thought it would be. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the night with Cameron, how it started off so innocently. I invited him into my home after dinner, offered him a bowl of ice creme and then we talked. He was so interested in what I had to say and was so sweet. When he kissed me I was taken by surprise, I didn’t expect him to do that. He noticed my sense of shock and jokingly said, “What? Am I a bad kisser?” I kissed him back after that and we made out for a while. However all I could think about while our tongues intertwined, was Cody and how upset he would be if he found out I was kissing Cameron. 

I took our bowls to the sink that night and while I stood in the kitchen with my back to the entryway, I began a text that would never be sent to Cody telling him I was sorry for ending it and how I wanted him to come over. Cameron came up behind me and spooked me by grabbing my sides, I dropped my phone on the counter and Cameron picked me up carrying me to the bedroom. I often think about that and how maybe if I would’ve hit send sooner Cody would’ve came and stopped Cameron. 

While Cameron was pinning me down I begged him to stop and when he began raping me I screamed. Cameron just bit his lip and moaned. I knew there was no point in shouting, my neighbors weren’t home and my roommate wouldn’t be back for hours. So I stopped, I realized quickly that night the more I struggled, the more I tried to move, Cameron’s grip tightened and his thrusts became more harsh. 

I couldn’t deal with what was happening that night, i prayed to God to end my life right then and there. I could feel myself begin to disassociate but I refused to allow myself to go away. I felt like if I went away in my mind or shifted away from my body I would never return. I would forever be unreal. So I began digging my nails into my palm to ground myself during the rape. When Cameron was finally done and decided to leave I broke down. That night sitting in the shower as the water turned ice cold I felt like everything that happened that evening wasn’t actually happening to me. I felt like nothing was real… I disassociated for a long time that night and didn’t come back to reality until almost daybreak. 

I often wonder if I would’ve allowed myself to disassociate during the rape if it would’ve fucked me up as much as it has. I wonder if it would’ve been easier to deal with if I just allowed myself to break away from everything. I know thinking about the what ifs and should’ve, would’ve, could’ves is useless but I can’t help it. Things are difficult right now… they seem like they always are. I keep reminding myself that I’m making progress and I need to just keep chugging along… it’s just hard, really hard.